Coming to terms

I haven't blogged in so long. As many friends have been saying, what is there to blog about when you have Facebook? Well, we may have something to blog about but not sure how open I can be. It still feels like an open wound sometimes that I just don't want to share. Then I have to ask myself, am I ashamed? Never. Could it help me to put it down in words? Maybe. Am I scared to share? Definitely.

It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that something is going on with my daughter. First, I am so grateful and so glad that she is very healthy, very loved, and very happy. What is hard for me is to know that now it may start to really hit her that she is different. I think when she wasn't talking at 2 we really thought she would come around with some therapy. We went to our first few classes and I saw how well the other kids were responding, and I was SO hopeful. When she wasn't progressing as fast as the others in her class, I started to worry slightly, but it was obvious she was also battling extreme shyness. Really she was also doing so much better compared to where she had been 6 months before. She was communicating with us and picking up new words faster than before.

It's almost a year now since we started with Early On. A year ago Ella would barely answer yes or no questions and now she speaks in 3 or 4 word sentences and even though she won't say "yes", she has several affirmatives. She has lots of words but still nowhere near what she should at her age. I am very proud of her and try to let her know as much as possible. Since we hit three, people expect so much from her and when it doesn't happen for her, I hurt with her. I see it on her face. She has something to say and I want so badly to help her find her voice. She is so silly and has a great sense of humor!

Why am I having a harder time now than before? I think it is becoming more obvious to us that Ella isn't just a "late talker" or simply shy. I have done some research and found a book called "The Late Talker: What to Do If Your Child Isn't Talking Yet" Right away things hit me harder than I expected. There was a chart right in the front on the differences between a delay and a disorder. Ella fit right into the disorder column. The wonderful news is that Ella does not have any other conditions that could accompany speech disorders. She is also talking which is better than some kids. Things could be much much worse.

The book at first depressed me. I kept waiting for the good news like she would grow out of it or it would mean speech therapy for a few years but then we would be done. Instead I read that she may always struggle and may have learning disabilities. Then I started to feel empowered a bit. I have been struggling with what to do next and kind of playing the "wait and see" that everyone has suggested. I am not waiting anymore. We are going to get whatever help we can for her now. Her preschool is great but they can only do so much. Now we just have a lot of phone calls and work to do!

Not Me Monday

So my friend, Barb, always does a wonderful Not Me Monday post and I keep thinking I will do one but I always run out of steam. She got the idea from another blogger whose place I visit from time to time MckMama. The idea is to air your dirty laundry by announcing things that you would never do but actually wished you didn't. It's a lessons learned really :).

Where to start? I did NOT decide to read my book the last two days instead of cleaning up something. I did NOT let me daughter watch 2 hours of Barney on two seperate days. I did NOT punish my husband for playing golf by sitting on my butt last night. I did NOT ignore the baby crying so my husband would get up and get him. I did NOT try to convince him that the baby was just teething and didn't need to eat. I did NOT sleep in until past 8 am even though we were supposed to be getting on the road by 9 am.

And then there was tonight....

I did NOT drag my children out past their bedtime for ice cream. I did NOT decide to carry baby around rather than accept he needed to go home. I did NOT pay $6 for a quart of ice cream. I did NOT forget to let the dog out for awhile and she did NOT pee on the floor. I did NOT forget to change my daughter's pull up yet again. I have NOT been putting my daughter in Pull Ups and then not even attempting to get her to use the potty. That would be ridiculous and a sign of true laziness. I did NOT tuck my daughter in bed 2 hours late. I did NOT just let my baby cry himself to sleep for the first time. Same little boy is NOT still sleeping in the living room because his parents definitely did finish his sister's new bedroom so he would be able to move into her room.

Whew! I do feel better. Feel free to play along!

Checkups!

Ella had a birthday!!! She turned 3 years old last Saturday. I can't believe my baby is 3. We celebrated with family at Chuck E Cheese, and she had a blast with her cousins. She also got a lot of loot. We are big believers in recycling toys. She got a ton of toys from my sister that used to be my niece's and then a gorgeous baby bed that used to belong to the Chicago cousins. She also got some cool clay that I have yet had the courage to get into. It says it is not messy but I think anything you have to add water to is automatically messy. So we are saving that for a day when Dad is up and can help with baby. Ella's three year check up went great. No shots thankfully but there was a blood draw and an attempt to pee in a cup. She screamed through the little poke in her finger and then was fine. All afternoon she kept trying to tell us about her boo boo that went bye. I think she was trying to explain that it didnt hurt so bad and was barely there. She weighed in at 31 lbs 6 oz and 37 inches tall. She was in the 50th percentile for both which is a huge change from when she was an infant. My girl was a skinny baby and is chunking up. She loves her eggs and cheese. We are back to working on potty training but it is tough with the baby. I think we will be doing good by the end of summer though. Luckily it is perfect weather to run around half naked.

Luke also had an appt for his 8 week check up. He unfortunately did have shots. Poor guy! He did great through the checkup but then we had to wait and by the time the immunizations came, he was really tired. I had given him tynenol before we left so hopefully that helped him deal. He weighed in at exactly 12 lbs and was 22 3/4 in. He is a really happy baby and smiles and coos all the time. I feel bad because I know he is left to entertain himself a lot because of Ella. He loves his bouncy seat and will happily kick his legs for an hour. He has really strong legs now! We are now officially pumping all the time. He gets to nurse 2 or three times a day when time allows. He likes to but often falls asleep and still needs more. I find the bottles allow us more freedom to do stuff.

Wish I had pics to share but the camera got left on by accident after Ella's birthday and we still haven't had a chance to replace the batteries that cost a fortune. Hopefully this weekend!

Feeling blessed

There seems to be reminders around a lot lately that are telling me that I am very lucky to have healthy family. I need those reminders. I try to focus on them during these really long days and even longer nights as the horrible sucking machine drains the energy out of me. Also remember it when my almost 3 year old looks at me with those sad eyes because I can't read stories to her, and her little baby brother screams because I am taking too long with the bottle after already sorta nursing for 40 minutes. I am blessed. Little Luke is gaining at an amazing rate and is a very happy baby. Ella is talking up a storm around the house. Today we got the word "banana" instead of the sign for the first time. And she is so happy- most of the time :). I keep telling her that soon baby Luke will be bigger and the three of us will go do so much now that mommy isn't working.

The nursing is coming along ok. I have almost given up so many times but then we will hang out with each other for a few and its like he knows that its his last chance the next time around. We had a very nice Le Leche League leader come help us out Saturday. I knew I was doing all I could but I just wanted to hear if there was still hope. She said she definitely understood my frustration as Luke latched on for several minutes and then just stopped and decided to scream at me and my boob until a bottle arrived. It's been very confusing. She told me she really believes there is still a chance. I am going to give it a couple more weeks. The last 24 hours we have had a lot of good nursing and even avoided a bottle or two. It's progress but it's still exhausting.

Baby is stirring so quickly going to post a couple pics. The first are little Luke. The last two were just today and you can see how big he has gotten. The last of Ella is her new obsession with folding our cloth diapers. It keeps her entertained for hours while I care for baby but it makes a big mess!

Never make assumptions

So I thought this time around, our baby experience would be so much different. What were the chances that we would run into the same issues as with Ella. Ella was jaundiced for at least 3 months for no apparent reason. This led to sleepiness that prevented us from getting the hang of nursing and lots of dr visits. Well, Luke's bilirubin jumped up the second day in the hospital and we have since had serious moments of deja vu. Lots of babies get newborn jaundice but for some reason ours jump the gun and get high really fast. We managed to avoid a night in the hospital this time but did have dr visits every day last week. I was so looking forward to an easier time nursing since I was experienced. Mr. Luke was hard to waken for feedings and lost weight quickly. We supplemented thinking that we would be able to pick up nursing better when he was more alert. He is really loving that bottle though and fighting me every chance he gets. Slowly we are starting to come to terms but its been rough and is a really harsh schedule to follow right now. We have decided we will do it as long as I can stand. I feel slightly cheated but have come to terms with it. Things will be fine. Our baby is healthy and that's all that matters.

I had moments of self pity last week. I couldn't believe we were in the same place again. The jaundice itself was not worrisome but the sleepiness was hard to deal with. Even for bottles, it took a long time to get him awake. He was lethargic and had a weak cry for a day or two, and it was really scary. We beefed him up though. He gained 4 oz in 2 days so dr was happy. I made an appt with a lactation consultant when I noticed he was not doing as well as before. While sitting in waiting area, a little girl started admiring Luke. She told me her baby sister was only 2 lbs and they weren't going to be taking her home. I then noticed the mom and my heart broke for her. She was so tired and sad. I got over my problems then and just appreciated how lucky we are that he is healthy and growing.

I am very proud of Dave and I. We have been trying to be more "green" for a couple years now. We started with recycling, then moved on to getting rid of yucky chemicals, and have been eating organic when we can afford to. So this time around with baby, I decided we should try cloth diapering. Thanks to my brother and wife we had a good start with lots of covers. So with a little investment (less than $100) we have been using the cloth diapers since Friday. It is so much easier than I thought it would be. A little more effort at changing but it is getting faster every time. Everything fits in one load of wash which is also getting to just be routine. I really like the money we will save too!

Baby Luke is 12 days old today!! Check him out sleeping on the Boppy so mom can admire him while she pumps and pumps. (Ella has now added "pump pump" to her vocabulary)

Happy Birthday, baby Luke!!!

***Actually written Saturday and just now posted :) Terribly boring birth story to follow

I know I have been awful at blogging lately. Just grumpy and impatient for baby to come. It has been one of the longest months ever. Every time I went to the doctor I was making progress, and supposedly baby was down and ready to roll since the middle of the month. He just wasn't ready.

So my due date came and went and it was time to talk about a plan. My doctor knew I really didn't want to do pitocin and would like to try to go without an epidural. I knew I could probably make it if we could avoid the pitocin. So when I went in on Tuesday I was surprised to find I had made no progress and was just sitting at 3.5 cm dilated. He really wanted to break my water on Thursday the 30th. I asked what the chances were that we would go without pitocin and he told me 75% and he didn't want to do something I was uncomfortable with. So instead he had me come in for a non stress test for baby first thing on Thurs. I knew that we would end up in the hospital if I had dilated more. Well it didn't even take that. We didn't pass the non stress test. Then I suggested they check me and I was at 4 cm. So we went in to have my water broken.

It was pretty simple and straight forward. Water broken at 12:18. A lot of waiting impatiently for something to happen. Then finally things started to roll. I am told I was really a champ but honestly it wasn't so bad at first. Then when they did get bad, it was too late to do anything about it so then I had to deal. I went from 8 to wanting to push in about 30 minutes. Dr wasn't even around and almost didn't make it cuz I really didn't want to wait :). One horrible unforgettable push and Luke was here! I really didn't even realize I had a baby until they put him on top of me!
What a wonderful moment!

Counting the days...

I didn't realize it had been almost a month since my last update! Oops.

We have been adjusting to many changes in our house lately: me being home, Dave's crazy new schedule which just changed again, and then just getting larger and more tired every day. We were really getting stuff done back in March then the last couple of weeks I was at work, I just got really uncomfortable and so tired. It has stayed that way. I have no energy after lunch. Thankfully now Dave is home in the afternoons and I can get some rest which helped immensely getting Ella down tonight.

Miss Ella- wow I can't even find the words about how she has transformed the last month. She is definitely growing up. Her vocabulary is expanding a bit, but mostly we are amazed at her sentences. She says things like "this is mine. This is mama's. This is daddy's." I have told the story more than a few times now but last week at the park she threw a huge fit when we got to the car and kept pointing at the driver side door and fussing. I told her that was mama's seat and she had to sit in her seat. She blurted out "I want drive!" I was so proud of her getting it out but so sad that it was one thing that definitely wasn't going to happen! There is also a lot of "I want more" "I need more". One of her new ones we are just noticing is you tell her something and she says "I know." There is some definite sassiness but considering she was barely communicating last fall, we will take it any way she wants to dish it out.

With Dave's previous schedule, we had some really hard weeks because I always had dinner and bedtime to run by myself. It was really fun some nights. I was so tired but so wanting to get stuff done after bedtime. I would just lay on the couch and try to find one little ounce of energy to get something done. Instead I would just end up falling asleep at 11 or midnight when I should have just given it up at 9.

We are just waiting now for baby to come. I am still needing to wash baby clothes and cloth diaper stuff. We owe my brother and Jenny a huge thank you for letting us use their covers. We have saved so much money! Now we just need to get it rolling. It really isn't as hard as it seems at all. Even Dave is reassured now.

We have some idea now what will happen next year for Ella. We just need to make our decisions. I know which way I am leaning but I need some more info. Probably will be it's own post!